Debts

Today is a day that most people celebrate.  I imagine someone laughing allll the way to the post office.  To the person who pays off their student loans, this would be a day to jump for joy.  To rejoice that their education is paid in full and to feel comfortable being debt free.  I have pictured this day for as long as I have been in college (both undergraduate and graduate).  I have made monthly payments with ridiculous interest attached for over 7 years!

And today, I am one to join those lucky few.  I no longer have that student loan payment each month staring me in the face.  I should be jumping for joy.  I should be totally pumped, but I’ll have to say, I’m not.  It's more of a bittersweet celebration.  You see, the way that I am no longer stuck in the student loan debt cycle is because of my Daddy. 

For as long as I can remember, Daddy always said he wanted to pay off my students loans for me. He promised that he would help me in any way possible.  And, in the worst way I could possibly imagine, he did.  Writing a check to pay off my loans was so raw this morning.  Sealing that envelope and addressing the College Foundation of North Carolina and American Education Success was enough to pull my heart right out of my chest.  There is not enough money in the entire world that any one person could give me to have my Daddy back here with me.  I would give my entire pay check every month if I could just have one more hug.

In a few days, months, years I know that I will be able to look back and see this day as a happy one, and know that Daddy is smiling down on me and is proud of what all I’ve done and accomplished. Today, it’s just hard.

One Month. 30 Days.

Most months comes and go. When a new one starts, I eagerly open my glittery polka-dot planner to the month’s events, make my check list for the week in my glittery striped notebook and highlight the dates, times and locations.  I go through the motions, trying to weigh out what’s more important for that week, thinking about what needs to come first in efforts to address what comes next.  I realized that I do this routine, if you will, 4 times a month.  Just four times…that’s all.  As I sat down this morning to work on my weekly notes, I realized, it’s been one month.  30 days.  One calendar month from April 5^th to May 5^th.  I have to say, those were the 30 longest days of my life.  Those were the most painful 30 days of my life.  Those were the most unreal 30 days of my life.  But, 30 days have come and gone.

 So,  in honor of those 30 days, I’ve made a list of 30 ways that life has changed or will change since my Daddy’s passing on April 5^th, 2014:

1)      I have a new found respect for customer service representatives.  Not ONE person has been the least bit disrespectful or disheartening in the events of contacting vendors regarding my Daddy’s passing.

2)      Sunrises have a new meaning.  Daddy loved a good sunrise.  For the first two weeks after he passed, I found myself up looking at the sunrise and breaking down daily.  For now, I can usually make it through the sunrise, and can appreciate the majestic colors of a new day.

3)      The administrator of an estate is a tough job.   I agreed to take on this responsibility myself, but it is nice to bounce ideas off of my brother before I make financial decisions on my Daddy’s behalf.

4)      Speaking of brothers, mine is freakin’ awesome.  Just sayin’.  He deserves his own countdown =)

5)      Cell phones are a necessity.  As much time as I have spent on the phone over the last 30 days, I don’t know how someone could rely on a landline anymore?

6)      Email is a necessity.  Fax machines are a necessity.  Technology, how I need you, so. Please don’t fail me now!

7)      Closing on a new house and taking over another household is a challenge.  It takes lots of patience and organized record keeping. 

8)      I have the best co-workers. There’s nothing else to say about it.  They have stuck by me and my sense of absent-mindedness in the past 30 days.  Not one has complained, or whined.  It’s been smooth sailing.  For that, I am grateful.

9)      I have the best SIL to be.  Rosa, you don’t know what you mean to me.  From your visit to the hospital, to the assistance of the service arrangements, to the offering of your bedroom to my brother.  I.am.the.luckiest.sis.to.be.

10)   I have the best MIL to be.  Beth, if you could only see yourself from my eyes.  If you could see how special you are to me.  You have taken care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself.  You are full of wonderful advice, a helping hand and a baking queen.  Words cannot express how much Cruz and I love you and Nicolas for all you’ve done for us. 

11)   My dogs have been there for me.  Yes, they stink.  Yes, they are pains in my ass sometimes. But there’s nothing like a snuggle from a dog that you love to make all of the hurt go away…at least for a few minutes.

12)   My dad’s brothers, sisters, mom and nieces and nephews are the most supportive people that I know.  They have offered me advice, loaned me tools, written thank you notes and just have been there for me to call if I need be.  I am so lucky to have such a loving family.

13)   I have the BEST aunt that resides in San Diego, Califronia.  She’s been a rock for Cruz and I as I’ve been faced with hard decisions.  I don’t know what I did to deserve Sharon, but she’s a “good egg” and everyone needs an Aunt Sharon.  Everyone.

14)   My bride “crew” if you will have been amazing.  The girls that I chose to assist me in my big day have stuck by me as I knew that they would.  They have brought gifts of prayers, dinners, alcohol and most importantly, gifts of love.  The sincerity of these wonderful ladies has been hands-down, the best. Thank you Jess, Jess, Mary, Rachel, Rosa, Rose and Emily.  I love you all more than you’ll ever know.

15)   I like having Facebook.  I mean, not as if I didn’t like it before, but to see the “Likes” on my photos and the messages on my wall make me feel less alone.  They encourage me to keep on keeping on. (No Joe Dirt pun intended) ;)

16)   My Daddy’s truck is an outlet for a good, long, drive.  His belongings in his truck make me feel secure.  Knowing he set his own radio stations help me to remember his love for music.  Snuggling into his bucket seats remind me of his warm embrace.  As long as I can, I’ll forever cherish his truck.

17)   Closing Daddy’s accounts has been hard.  Closing checking accounts, mailboxes and other pieces make it seem so solidified, so real.  I know in my heart it is true, but seeing it on paper is a little tougher to stomach.

18)   I look forward to seeing a picture of Daddy’s helmet each week at Cruz’s races.  NASCAR was something that my dad LOVED.  Seeing his sticker on Cruz’s helmet and the helmets of other pit crew members is something that makes me smile on Sundays.  I am sure he’s smiling down too, and he’s watching over them each week.  He’s cheering on that old #31, Ryan Newman

19)   Wednesdays are hard.  Wednesday was the day each week that I would call Daddy to see if he was going to work the weekend.  If he wasn’t, I’d always try to invite him to our house to help us to work.  If so, I’d tell him to take it easy, and that I loved him.

20)   I refuse to delete old voicemails from Daddy.  I don’t have the guts to listen yet, because the sound of his voice would be too painful to hear.  But I will not delete anything.  I’m sure there will be a time that it will all make sense.  In the last 30 days, I haven’t found that time quite yet.

21)   I take the long way home to stop by his final resting place.  I stop by and talk to him.  I tell him about what’s going on in my life.  I sometimes sit by his flowers and cry.  Sometimes I just pray.  Either way, it’s helpful to be there with him.  I feel more connected to him when I’m near where he is.

22)   Getting groceries is hard. As absurd as it sounds, I have a hard time walking by the boxes of Cheerios, his favorite cereal.  I tear up at the sight of Pepsi Cola in a can.  Those were pieces I used to identify my Daddy.

23)   We have moved his couch into our new home.  I sometimes curl up in “his” spot and nap.  I picture him in that same seat, napping in front of ESPN.  It’s comforting to know that’s where he spent his down time.  I’m trying to do more of that myself.

24)   Direct TV is amazing.  I never knew how awesome it was to actually record and show and watch it later.  Again, thank you technology.

25)   WIFI is amazing.  We lived without it for about 2 ½ weeks and AT&T got about $30.00 worth of additional GB from our account.  Now, we have our WIFI and MAN I am thankful!

26)   Finding out that we passed our final inspection was one of the most amazing days of my life.  I hate that Daddy wasn’t here to experience that feeling of elation with us, but when we found out, it felt like I had 100lbs of sand lifted off of my shoulders.  I am 100% determined he pulled a few strings too.

27)   Moving our dogs in with us a couple of weeks after we moved was the best move that I could have made.  Although I missed them dearly, I knew I needed to get my life in order before I too them out of their element.  Now, I feel better about how I plan to train them.

28)   I have a wedding that goes off in 4 months.  During the last 30 days, not a whole lot has been done to get that ball rolling.  It’ll happen.  I know it.  And if not, we’ll be okay.

29)   There is cleaning to be done.  There are photos to be hung.  There are closets that need organizing.  There is a garage that needs to be cleaned out.  However, I feel more inclined to write.  It’s helpful, and help is what I need right now.

30)   This blog continues to be an outlet.  I’m not looking for a pat on the back, or a shout out.  I just need somewhere to get it all out.  I appreciate you, the reader.  I appreciate your time.  And I appreciate your concern. 

A New Normal

You know, it’s just human nature that the world changes.  In time, we all experience change but until that change happens abruptly, and unplanned, it’s almost like we don’t see that change sneaking into our lives.  I can recall that when I was in the classroom, each new year I’d receive a brand new crop of kiddos.  All summer long, I’d enjoy my summer “off” and then at the beginning of August, my excitement would build.  I’d look forward to a new group of 5^th grade babies, labeling their name tags, scrubbing their desktops and putting up décor to welcome them and their families into my class.  Open-house night would come and go and students would get settled into their routines.  At some point within the first couple of months there would be a transition period to where that “new” wore off, and those students because “my kids”.  When a subtle change that sneaks up on you, it’s fairly easy to deal with.  But when life throws you a quick change, it is a lot harder.  Trust me.

April 5^th, 2014.  This is a day that I know that I will never forget.  That day was the day that changed my life forever.  It was the day that my Daddy, my rock, my all, went to be with the Lord. 

I will say that from this point on, my post could be considered a little raw, and I apologize ahead of time.  It’s just how the events of that day continue to play out in my head.  It’s part of my healing process to share.  Just to get it down.  Just to try and make sense of it all.

That day was a day that my life changed.  It wasn’t a pleasant new-student change.  It was a slap-in-the-face, what-the-hell just happened change?  It was a change that I still sometimes weeks later find it hard to believe.  It’s a change that has reshaped me, my outlook on life and has created what I have learned to reference to as my new normal.

My daddy was an active man.  He worked his heart out day-in and day-out.  He was known to be one of the most helpful people you’d ever meet.  He had a heart of gold, and would give you the shirt off of his back if he knew you would benefit.   He loved my brother and I more than anything in this world and getting the news that he had passed away from a massive heart attack was hands-down the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life.

April 5^th was the day that we were going to sew our front yard.  We were going to get BBQ chicken supper tickets and enjoy supper together.  We were going to spend a Saturday off together and we were going to work on getting Cruz and I closer into moving into our new home. 

But, we didn’t.  Instead, I got a phone call early Saturday morning that my dad had suffered from a heart attack and I needed to get to Forsyth as soon as I could.  I went by our new house where Cruz was, already working and we literally flew toward Forsyth.  My phone rang off and on multiple times, nurses calling me to let me know his status.  The call that changed it all came while we were on 421.  I found out that he had passed.

To be totally honest, I don’t remember much.  I remember thinking to myself that my entire world literally crumbled in front of me.  I remember Cruz putting my hazard lights on my car and driving speeds of 80+ mph and then I remember calling a few folks to let them know.  The next thing I realized was that I was walking into Forsyth, with my ID in hand and a ripped piece of paper in my pocket with my Daddy’s room number on it.  Ya’ll, the ride up that elevator to his floor was probably the longest of my life.  I felt like I had a ton of bricks on my shoulders, like it took every bit of my being to move and to speak with the desk attendant that my “father had passed”.

A wonderful nurse walked with Cruz and I to my daddy’s room.  She opened the door and there he lay.  He was in a hospital gown, under a sheet with his eyes closed, his rescue tube still intact.  I wailed.  I screamed.  I couldn’t believe that my love, my daddy, my rock lay there on a bed, gone.  I wanted nothing more than to see him sit up, see him give me one of his “Ol Dad” hugs and for him to snuggle me.  But, he didn’t.  He couldn’t.  He had been called Home, and I had missed it. 

I must have collapsed, because I realized that Cruz had me in a tight hold.  I broke free and just tried to make sense of it all.  How could this be?  How could the man that raised me, that took care of me and that always made time for me not be there anymore? 

It wasn’t long after Cruz and I were in Daddy’s room that the Doctor came in who worked with Daddy, and who worked on Daddy.  He was speaking so much medical terminology that I didn’t know what he was saying.  I was trying my best to stomach it, to receive it, but I didn’t know what really was going on besides the fact that Daddy was gone.  The nurse came in and out, offering help, offering assistance and offering her own words of love and compassion.  Many of my family members came to visit my Daddy, to see for themselves that he was gone.  We gathered together in his hospital room and prayed with a wonderful Chaplain from RCR.  I continued to swallow a pill that was the size of a goose egg and realized that I had to grow up and make some serious decisions, and really fast.

The next few days consisted of funeral arrangements, my Daddy’s visitation and his funeral.   I didn’t realize how much work, how much money and how much stress those three days would consist of. The details of those days are way too much to include, but just know that if you haven’t had to deal with those things, I suggest taking wonderful family members like mine to assist you.  It sure makes transitions a whole lot easier.  It also helps to flush out the cloud around your brain.

I think after Daddy’s funeral service, my world shifted into another “new normal”.  My brother and I were now responsible for my Daddy’s estate, his house and all of his belongings.  We decided since he lived so far out, that I would take on the sole responsibility of Administrator, and all of the sudden, the next change took over my life.

So here I am, almost a month later and I am doing okay.  I have good days where I am so busy that I don’t even have the time to think about April 5th.  I have bad days where I can’t get that day to stop replaying through my mind.  And then I have days where I have learned to go through the motions.  I have learned that this is my new normal.  This is life, and although it would be so much sweeter if I could drive to East Bend tomorrow and see my Daddy, sitting in his seat on his couch in his house, I am going to have to settle with sitting in his seat in my own house.  I have all of the photos, all of the memories and all of the responsibility of what my new normal life consists of.

So I close this post by offering you a bit of advice.  I encourage you all to let your loved ones know that they are loved.  Take every opportunity to show them what they mean to you.  Keep them close, and care for them.  Because as cliché as the saying is, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone”.  I have lost someone who meant the entire world to me.  And I wish that with every ounce of my being that he could be here now.