A New Normal

You know, it’s just human nature that the world changes.  In time, we all experience change but until that change happens abruptly, and unplanned, it’s almost like we don’t see that change sneaking into our lives.  I can recall that when I was in the classroom, each new year I’d receive a brand new crop of kiddos.  All summer long, I’d enjoy my summer “off” and then at the beginning of August, my excitement would build.  I’d look forward to a new group of 5^th grade babies, labeling their name tags, scrubbing their desktops and putting up décor to welcome them and their families into my class.  Open-house night would come and go and students would get settled into their routines.  At some point within the first couple of months there would be a transition period to where that “new” wore off, and those students because “my kids”.  When a subtle change that sneaks up on you, it’s fairly easy to deal with.  But when life throws you a quick change, it is a lot harder.  Trust me.

April 5^th, 2014.  This is a day that I know that I will never forget.  That day was the day that changed my life forever.  It was the day that my Daddy, my rock, my all, went to be with the Lord. 

I will say that from this point on, my post could be considered a little raw, and I apologize ahead of time.  It’s just how the events of that day continue to play out in my head.  It’s part of my healing process to share.  Just to get it down.  Just to try and make sense of it all.

That day was a day that my life changed.  It wasn’t a pleasant new-student change.  It was a slap-in-the-face, what-the-hell just happened change?  It was a change that I still sometimes weeks later find it hard to believe.  It’s a change that has reshaped me, my outlook on life and has created what I have learned to reference to as my new normal.

My daddy was an active man.  He worked his heart out day-in and day-out.  He was known to be one of the most helpful people you’d ever meet.  He had a heart of gold, and would give you the shirt off of his back if he knew you would benefit.   He loved my brother and I more than anything in this world and getting the news that he had passed away from a massive heart attack was hands-down the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life.

April 5^th was the day that we were going to sew our front yard.  We were going to get BBQ chicken supper tickets and enjoy supper together.  We were going to spend a Saturday off together and we were going to work on getting Cruz and I closer into moving into our new home. 

But, we didn’t.  Instead, I got a phone call early Saturday morning that my dad had suffered from a heart attack and I needed to get to Forsyth as soon as I could.  I went by our new house where Cruz was, already working and we literally flew toward Forsyth.  My phone rang off and on multiple times, nurses calling me to let me know his status.  The call that changed it all came while we were on 421.  I found out that he had passed.

To be totally honest, I don’t remember much.  I remember thinking to myself that my entire world literally crumbled in front of me.  I remember Cruz putting my hazard lights on my car and driving speeds of 80+ mph and then I remember calling a few folks to let them know.  The next thing I realized was that I was walking into Forsyth, with my ID in hand and a ripped piece of paper in my pocket with my Daddy’s room number on it.  Ya’ll, the ride up that elevator to his floor was probably the longest of my life.  I felt like I had a ton of bricks on my shoulders, like it took every bit of my being to move and to speak with the desk attendant that my “father had passed”.

A wonderful nurse walked with Cruz and I to my daddy’s room.  She opened the door and there he lay.  He was in a hospital gown, under a sheet with his eyes closed, his rescue tube still intact.  I wailed.  I screamed.  I couldn’t believe that my love, my daddy, my rock lay there on a bed, gone.  I wanted nothing more than to see him sit up, see him give me one of his “Ol Dad” hugs and for him to snuggle me.  But, he didn’t.  He couldn’t.  He had been called Home, and I had missed it. 

I must have collapsed, because I realized that Cruz had me in a tight hold.  I broke free and just tried to make sense of it all.  How could this be?  How could the man that raised me, that took care of me and that always made time for me not be there anymore? 

It wasn’t long after Cruz and I were in Daddy’s room that the Doctor came in who worked with Daddy, and who worked on Daddy.  He was speaking so much medical terminology that I didn’t know what he was saying.  I was trying my best to stomach it, to receive it, but I didn’t know what really was going on besides the fact that Daddy was gone.  The nurse came in and out, offering help, offering assistance and offering her own words of love and compassion.  Many of my family members came to visit my Daddy, to see for themselves that he was gone.  We gathered together in his hospital room and prayed with a wonderful Chaplain from RCR.  I continued to swallow a pill that was the size of a goose egg and realized that I had to grow up and make some serious decisions, and really fast.

The next few days consisted of funeral arrangements, my Daddy’s visitation and his funeral.   I didn’t realize how much work, how much money and how much stress those three days would consist of. The details of those days are way too much to include, but just know that if you haven’t had to deal with those things, I suggest taking wonderful family members like mine to assist you.  It sure makes transitions a whole lot easier.  It also helps to flush out the cloud around your brain.

I think after Daddy’s funeral service, my world shifted into another “new normal”.  My brother and I were now responsible for my Daddy’s estate, his house and all of his belongings.  We decided since he lived so far out, that I would take on the sole responsibility of Administrator, and all of the sudden, the next change took over my life.

So here I am, almost a month later and I am doing okay.  I have good days where I am so busy that I don’t even have the time to think about April 5th.  I have bad days where I can’t get that day to stop replaying through my mind.  And then I have days where I have learned to go through the motions.  I have learned that this is my new normal.  This is life, and although it would be so much sweeter if I could drive to East Bend tomorrow and see my Daddy, sitting in his seat on his couch in his house, I am going to have to settle with sitting in his seat in my own house.  I have all of the photos, all of the memories and all of the responsibility of what my new normal life consists of.

So I close this post by offering you a bit of advice.  I encourage you all to let your loved ones know that they are loved.  Take every opportunity to show them what they mean to you.  Keep them close, and care for them.  Because as cliché as the saying is, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone”.  I have lost someone who meant the entire world to me.  And I wish that with every ounce of my being that he could be here now.