Most months comes and go. When a new one starts, I eagerly open
my glittery polka-dot planner to the month’s events, make my check list for the
week in my glittery striped notebook and highlight the dates, times and
locations. I go through the motions, trying
to weigh out what’s more important for that week, thinking about what needs to
come first in efforts to address what comes next. I realized that I do this routine, if you
will, 4 times a month. Just four times…that’s
all. As I sat down this morning to work
on my weekly notes, I realized, it’s been one month. 30 days.
One calendar month from April 5th to May 5th. I have to say, those were the 30 longest days
of my life. Those were the most painful
30 days of my life. Those were the most
unreal 30 days of my life. But, 30 days
have come and gone.
1)
I have a new found respect for customer service representatives. Not ONE person has been the least bit
disrespectful or disheartening in the events of contacting vendors regarding my
Daddy’s passing.
2)
Sunrises have a new meaning. Daddy loved a good sunrise. For the first two weeks after he passed, I
found myself up looking at the sunrise and breaking down daily. For now, I can usually make it through the
sunrise, and can appreciate the majestic colors of a new day.
3)
The administrator of an estate is a tough
job. I agreed to take on this responsibility
myself, but it is nice to bounce ideas off of my brother before I make
financial decisions on my Daddy’s behalf.
4)
Speaking of brothers, mine is freakin’
awesome. Just sayin’. He deserves his own countdown =)
5)
Cell phones are a necessity. As much time as I have spent on the phone
over the last 30 days, I don’t know how someone could rely on a landline
anymore?
6)
Email is a necessity. Fax machines are a necessity. Technology, how I need you, so. Please don’t
fail me now!
7)
Closing on a new house and taking over another
household is a challenge. It takes lots
of patience and organized record keeping.
8)
I have the best co-workers. There’s nothing else
to say about it. They have stuck by me
and my sense of absent-mindedness in the past 30 days. Not one has complained, or whined. It’s been smooth sailing. For that, I am grateful.
9)
I have the best SIL to be. Rosa, you don’t know what you mean to
me. From your visit to the hospital, to
the assistance of the service arrangements, to the offering of your bedroom to
my brother. I.am.the.luckiest.sis.to.be.
10)
I have the best MIL to be. Beth, if you could only see yourself from my
eyes. If you could see how special you
are to me. You have taken care of me
when I couldn’t take care of myself. You
are full of wonderful advice, a helping hand and a baking queen. Words cannot express how much Cruz and I love
you and Nicolas for all you’ve done for us.
11)
My dogs have been there for me. Yes, they stink. Yes, they are pains in my ass sometimes. But
there’s nothing like a snuggle from a dog that you love to make all of the hurt
go away…at least for a few minutes.
12)
My dad’s brothers, sisters, mom and nieces and
nephews are the most supportive people that I know. They have offered me advice, loaned me tools,
written thank you notes and just have been there for me to call if I need
be. I am so lucky to have such a loving
family.
13)
I have the BEST aunt that resides in San Diego,
Califronia. She’s been a rock for Cruz
and I as I’ve been faced with hard decisions.
I don’t know what I did to deserve Sharon, but she’s a “good egg” and
everyone needs an Aunt Sharon. Everyone.
14)
My bride “crew” if you will have been
amazing. The girls that I chose to
assist me in my big day have stuck by me as I knew that they would. They have brought gifts of prayers, dinners,
alcohol and most importantly, gifts of love.
The sincerity of these wonderful ladies has been hands-down, the best. Thank
you Jess, Jess, Mary, Rachel, Rosa, Rose and Emily. I love you all more than you’ll ever know.
15)
I like having Facebook. I mean, not as if I didn’t like it before,
but to see the “Likes” on my photos and the messages on my wall make me feel
less alone. They encourage me to keep on
keeping on. (No Joe Dirt pun intended) ;)
16)
My Daddy’s truck is an outlet for a good, long,
drive. His belongings in his truck make
me feel secure. Knowing he set his own
radio stations help me to remember his love for music. Snuggling into his bucket seats remind me of
his warm embrace. As long as I can, I’ll
forever cherish his truck.
17)
Closing Daddy’s accounts has been hard. Closing checking accounts, mailboxes and
other pieces make it seem so solidified, so real. I know in my heart it is true, but seeing it
on paper is a little tougher to stomach.
18)
I look forward to seeing a picture of Daddy’s
helmet each week at Cruz’s races. NASCAR
was something that my dad LOVED. Seeing
his sticker on Cruz’s helmet and the helmets of other pit crew members is
something that makes me smile on Sundays.
I am sure he’s smiling down too, and he’s watching over them each
week. He’s cheering on that old #31,
Ryan Newman
19)
Wednesdays are hard. Wednesday was the day each week that I would
call Daddy to see if he was going to work the weekend. If he wasn’t, I’d always try to invite him to
our house to help us to work. If so, I’d
tell him to take it easy, and that I loved him.
20)
I refuse to delete old voicemails from
Daddy. I don’t have the guts to listen
yet, because the sound of his voice would be too painful to hear. But I will not delete anything. I’m sure there will be a time that it will
all make sense. In the last 30 days, I
haven’t found that time quite yet.
21)
I take the long way home to stop by his final
resting place. I stop by and talk to
him. I tell him about what’s going on in
my life. I sometimes sit by his flowers
and cry. Sometimes I just pray. Either way, it’s helpful to be there with
him. I feel more connected to him when I’m
near where he is.
22)
Getting groceries is hard. As absurd as it
sounds, I have a hard time walking by the boxes of Cheerios, his favorite
cereal. I tear up at the sight of Pepsi
Cola in a can. Those were pieces I used
to identify my Daddy.
23)
We have moved his couch into our new home. I sometimes curl up in “his” spot and
nap. I picture him in that same seat,
napping in front of ESPN. It’s comforting
to know that’s where he spent his down time.
I’m trying to do more of that myself.
24)
Direct TV is amazing. I never knew how awesome it was to actually
record and show and watch it later.
Again, thank you technology.
25)
WIFI is amazing.
We lived without it for about 2 ½ weeks and AT&T got about $30.00
worth of additional GB from our account.
Now, we have our WIFI and MAN I am thankful!
26)
Finding out that we passed our final inspection was
one of the most amazing days of my life.
I hate that Daddy wasn’t here to experience that feeling of elation with
us, but when we found out, it felt like I had 100lbs of sand lifted off of my
shoulders. I am 100% determined he
pulled a few strings too.
27)
Moving our dogs in with us a couple of weeks
after we moved was the best move that I could have made. Although I missed them dearly, I knew I
needed to get my life in order before I too them out of their element. Now, I feel better about how I plan to train
them.
28)
I have a wedding that goes off in 4 months. During the last 30 days, not a whole lot has
been done to get that ball rolling. It’ll
happen. I know it. And if not, we’ll be okay.
29)
There is cleaning to be done. There are photos to be hung. There are closets that need organizing. There is a garage that needs to be cleaned
out. However, I feel more inclined to
write. It’s helpful, and help is what I
need right now.
30)
This blog continues to be an outlet. I’m not looking for a pat on the back, or a
shout out. I just need somewhere to get
it all out. I appreciate you, the
reader. I appreciate your time. And I appreciate your concern.
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